Sunday Morning Reflections

Have you ever gotten a strong urge to write something. To share your thoughts. I don't often but when I do it is super strong and I have to believe that there is someone out there that needs to hear it.

It all started yesterday while I was taking a shower after learning how to use the lawn mower. I cried. Seriously?? What in the world. It was a darn lawn mower and weed eater. But I know it wasn't just that.

I'm a firm believer that we are on a certain path in life. That all the struggles we go through are placed in our path so that we can learn and grow. Sometimes so that we can share our experiences so that it may help others through their struggles. I'm the first to scream UNCLE....I'm really over all these tests of faith. But for some reason...while in the shower...all I could think about was my life. Some people know this stuff I'm about to post...some do not (guess you do now)! Right after graduation God decided it was time to test me. I was madly in love (so I thought) and pretty soon found out I was carrying my daughter. A few months later I was married at the ripe ole age of 17. Looking back now I am pretty sure that was not the right option BUT...life had other plans. If I would have not followed this path..I don't think I would be the person I am today. I moved way from home and every thing I knew to a place where I knew no one. Jump forward about 3 or so years and I was about to be the mom of two....moved back to GA....living in a one room motel with drug dealers across the way....and getting up the courage to call my parents to come get me. I was living in a life I didn't understand...an abusive relationship...and so lost. It took a LOT of courage to make that phone call. My family never liked the choices I made years prior but it was a choice I made and mistakes I had to learn from. God blessed me with two beautiful children during that time. And now I was a single mom of two trying to figure out what to do next.

Pretty soon I had found a program that would help me go back to school...learn an occupation...and get a job. I've since been with that job for 25 years. It wasn't easy....and working full time, single mom, trying to figure out how to make ends meet...it's tough. And I commend each of you facing those struggles now. But do know....you will make it through.

5 years later I met my husband. Well, I knew him already....but the dating part had never crossed our minds. I had years of self-doubt, not being good enough, and emotional abuse that made it hard for me to think anyone would want to love me. But he did. And as most of you know...the rest is history.
Since that time I have struggled with "am I good enough", "am I pretty enough", "why can't I be thinner", etc, etc. And the whole time God is telling me to trust in him. That I AM a child of God and that he loves me. That he made me just as he had planned. I keep fighting with him on that but as I get older I am giving in and trusting ;)


Fast forward through raising the kids (that is a struggle in its self..lol).  2010 brought us with the reality that we were going to be grandparents. And let me tell you...being a mother at 18 had a huge impact on how I handled this. God lesson right there. And of course she was a huge bright spot in our lives. We love that Butterbean like you would not even believe. And life goes on...with some added small people laughter in the house on a daily basis. We continue on living our little ole lives....buying cars...buying a camper...going here and there. When I guess we needed a reminder. A reminder that you don't need all those fancy things...that life is more than that. 2014.......on our sons birthday to be exact...Billy had an MRI that would change everything. A few days later we found out that he had a brain tumor. A few months later he would have a 12 hour surgery to remove it and then learn how to live life with a new normal. While I sat there at the hospital waiting for repeated surgery updates....it became very clear what was important in life. It wasn't what we had...where we would go on vacation...but it was all about life. How precious it is...how breakable it is....how special. That day changed us both. Now when I look back on that year I know that it was just a way to prepare us for what was coming.

Shawn moved out...broke my heart! That was so hard. And then in 2016 Kayla and Butterbean moved out. I cried for months. They were both about to embark on growing their own families. All I could hope was that I taught them everything they needed to know in life. It was now out of my hands. But the timing - even though I didn't know it then - was just right. Because what was to come...I couldn't have managed with the kids at home. 2017...the year of all years. Cancer. I will never forget those words...ever. And it changed me...again. But I knew what I had to do...I knew God would not leave us....and I dug my heals in. Let's do this. Let's beat this. It's been almost two years now since that diagnosis. It's been a hard ride....long...challenging...frustrating...scary...emotional....you name it. I've learned a lot in two years. Researching, patient advocating, flushing ports, pharmacy tech wanna be, exploring every section of Northside Hospital...juggling life, job, emotions and caregiving. Now see if the kids had been at home...lord have mercy...I couldn't have juggled all of that. Just putting that out right here right now. Very quickly I have had to learn to do a lot of things on my own. One thing I have tried to teach my kids was to stand on their own two feet. To be able to support themselves. To be strong. That is the life lessons I learned over the years. My 30 years after high school has been a building block to get me to where I am today. To the person I am now. I am so much stronger than I was 30 years ago. I can take care of myself AND my family. I know in my heart that I can tackle whatever mountain is thrown our way. It may not be easy....but I CAN do it. WE can do it. So back to the shower and crying over the lawn mower....you see....that simple task...learning something I didn't know how to do....made me feel even more stronger. It made me realize AGAIN that I CAN do anything I put  my mind and heart into doing. The last few months have been pretty challenging for me. And at times I have felt like I just wasn't going to make it through this. And it goes beyond just dealing with the cancer. Other things in life. But it has been God's way of opening my eyes. Showing me that I'm not through growing and learning. And that it is okay to take chances and to really believe in myself and what I am capable of accomplishing. To trust in him. Read that again.... TRUST IN HIM. 

My point....this life is not easy. And so many of you have the same story...or have a similar story...or maybe you are just starting a story like this and don't know what to do. I want you to know it is okay. You will be okay. Struggles are okay. It is what shapes us. It is what makes us stronger. It will open your eyes to things you never thought you could do or accomplish. Don't give up. It's hard. Life is hard. But I'm here for you. Look around...there are others here for you as well...to help you get through and reach the other side of the mountain. Don't be afraid to to learn new things...don't be afraid to take a leap of faith...believe in yourself. I do!