I almost didn't do today's blog post. It's 11:30 pm and I really should be asleep right now. But it is has been too emotional of a day to fall asleep.
The day started off with me sneaking into the room at 6:00 this morning. I guess it took him an hour before he realized I was even there. I had high hopes for the day but was soon to realize today was just not going to be a day of accomplishments. Billy's head was hurting a good bit last night so they gave him a percocet. For those that know Billy well...you know he HATES medication. So take a percocet...with someone who doesn't take strong pain drugs....add that to an empty stomach...and you have major nausea! That is how the morning went. He couldn't eat breakfast. So they gave him two injections of nausea medicine and then added a patch behind his ear. Not sure if all the combinations of the above was what did it but he hardly woke up all day. I would say he spoke to me all of about 20 minutes the entire day. Lunch came around and he didn't touch a bit of it. None. At this point I was so frustrated. Not at him...just everything. You know that emotional rollercoaster...yeah it was the scream machine and I dipped down into the water. I had high hopes for the day...so excited to see him walking and talking and eating...etc. etc. And to just see him sleep all day...not eat....not making any progress...it was hard. Everyone has told me that day three is the hardest after surgery....I would say day three is the hardest for the patient AND for the loved ones. Not only is it hard to watch your loved one not able to do anything at all or not make the progress you thought they would....but just the amount of emotion that goes into this....it is just overwhelming. I spent several hours just sitting in his room crying. He only saw me one time...I just didn't want him to see me cry.
They did get him up and he trotted...well more like small baby step trots...around the nurses desk. Of course that got me crying again....here is my big, tall, otherwise healthy husband...all the sudden not able to walk like he did 3 days ago...not able to do much for himself....it is just hard. That is all I can say. It is so hard to explain the emotions. It's just. Hard. I wanted to scream...I WANT MY HUSBAND back so loud and hard. But I know he is there...he always was...he didn't go anywhere...we just had a small hicup in life put a road block in the way and divert us in another direction. And sometimes those directions are just not what we expected or thought it would be. No matter how much preperation you take....no matter how many websites you read and study up on...it just does not prepare you for the real deal. Nope.
I'm sure he got frustrated with me because I kept pushing for him to eat dinner. He had 4 bites of ice cream and that was it. At that point I just gave up because he wasn't going to do what I wanted...he is on his own time and not mine. And since I had been there at this point a total of 13 hours....just sitting there....and exhausted....I just needed to head on to the room. My heart didn't want to leave his side. But my brain said...you gotta go...go rest.
I met a nice lady yesterday. Her husband was in ICU a few doors down. He was in serious condition. Very serious. We chatted, we shared stories, we talked about our husbands and how hard this journey is. We joked about Thirty One products. And we prayed. I went to go back to the breakroom to offer her my hotel room for a shower....only to find her and the family in her husbands room. Everyone in tears. He had took a turn for the worse and they called all the family in. I then proceeded to head back to Billy and just cry. Cry for her....cry for her husband...and cry for mine. Again....exhaustion + emotions = nothing really good. Later I found out that his CT scan came back fine and back to surgery he goes to remove a portion of his skull. She will remain in my prayers each day. We both "got it" and understood each other. God put us in each others path...I know he did. Because we both needed each other today.
As I was getting ready to leave today they were able to get Billy a room. 3121 on the neuro hall. His own private room...I have a recliner....we have a bathroom...he has no wires, no cathater, no IV and the lumbar drain comes out tomorrow. So it is a step in the right direction for sure. We will get him home soon. It may not be on the time that we choose but it will be on his time and the time God chooses.
Tomorrow I check out of the hotel and head home in the evening. In a way I am glad to get home and see butterbean but the other part of me hates not being right there beside him. Heck he may be sick and tired of seeing me and just doesn't want to tell me so. But saturday I will be back and then Sunday I will come back with my bags to stay for however long he needs me. For the first time in my life I am not worried about our house...the kids...or work....just my husband and getting him home.
I can't thank each person enough for their prayers and continued support of Billy and I.
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