It's really hard to grasp that 2 weeks ago, this time, Billy was sitting in Pre-op....I was in the waiting room crying my eyes out....Kim had just showed up....and I was anxiously awaiting them to call me to come back and sit with him. I don't know where the time has gone. It's almost not real.
Here we sit 2 weeks post-op. I think considering Billy is doing good. I still wish we had some sort of marker to show us what to expect at week 2...then week 4, etc. But I guess there is no such thing. It's just time. There is not a whole lot to report. He is getting around a little better each day. He is walking around more and more without the help of the cane. He is still very slow but steady in his walking. Eating is still a challenge. And this worries me a good bit. He nibbles and tries but it is just so difficult for him so he just doesn't eat. Last night all he wanted was a boost. It's something but it is just not enough. I can't begin to understand his frustration but from my view.....sometimes you just have do it.....it is hard...but in order to get better he has to eat. I just don't know how to make it a happy medium. He is staying awake more during the day but now that he has stopped taking his steroid he has had a dull headache. I'm not sure if this is from swelling, one of the side effects of the medication or something that is going to be a part of the "new normal". His face has not made any progress. This is frustrating for the both of us. For him...because of course it hampers his eating....for me...because I see how frustrated it makes him. He doesn't want to carry on a conversation because it is hard to talk. I miss our talks. I pray every night that God will show us a sign that this part of the process will get better. Even if it is just an eye blink. Something. But so far...nothing.
I had a conversation with a dear friend yesterday. She informed me that I need to stop saying "I'm fine" when in reality I am not. And she is right. So right. "I'm fine" is the easiest thing to say to people....I don't like complaining. The more I thought about it I don't want to sound like a whining child because I am NOT the one who endured 10 hours of surgery. But at the same time....this is a dual effort. I have now been put into a position I am not familiar with at all and it has its on emotional boundaries. So yeah.....I'm not fine. I'm frustrated, angry, sad, exhausted, thankful, blessed and confused. All rolled into one. I'm frustrated with the doctors for not giving us more information, for not seeing improvement where we hoped to see it, and so frustrated with that darn Home Health Company for not even giving us a call back!!!! ugh. Angry at the world...why did this have to happen to my husband....why us? Sad that I can't do more for him. That I can't take away the pain and confusion. Exhausted because of all the above. I try to take on so much. He knows that. Anyone that knows me...knows that. But that is who I am. I'm not sure I will ever know how to totally change that. I am trying to take some time away but it is hard. I don't want to miss a moment with him. I'm thankful and blessed that my husband is here with me. That he is alive and well...that in general speaking...he is healthy. I am thankful that God has given us this opportunity to continue our lives together. And I am confused.....just about everything. What to do next. What our future holds. What to expect.
Danie had her surgery yesterday. Her second set of tubes and her adenoids removed. She was in a lot of pain yesterday. It was so sad. But I just couldn't help with her so I went to bed. That was the best thing for all of us....for me to rest. I think she finally went to sleep. She should be much better today.
A few more days to go and we head to the ENT for his Post Op appt. I have lots of questions, looking for some answers, and anxious to see how they think he is doing.
We are two weeks down.....about 10 more to go :)