Wednesday, August 24, 2011

A Touch of Reality

So how am I doing on my Project 52? 32 books down and only 16 more weeks to go so I only need to read 20 more books....sigh....well I HAD a jump in the lead for a while but I guess I took a long slide somewhere. Maybe I missed a book here and there? Not sure I will get 52 books in this year but I have given it a good try at least. and read some books that I don't think I noramlly would of read. such as...
I happened to come home early one afternoon and caught the end of the Ellen Show while she was interviewing Portia de Rossi and her book. I am assuming it was a rerun since this book has been out for a year. As I began reading this book I found it was extremely hard to put down. I finished the book today and have realized that there was a lot of ME in this book. Enough of ME that I wrote Portia a letter. I wont mail it of course but it was good to just write and explain how I was feeling and know that if she did read it...she would understand. This book is about Portia's battle with anorexia and bulimia. So many things she would say would hit me square in the face. Now....let me explain...and to be honest I will not go into full detail but I did want to share a little of how I have felt.....I have never been a size 2 or 110 lbs. I have always been, as my mother would say, big boned. When I graduated high school I am sure I was about 124 lbs or so. I am only 5'2 and believe me....I didn't like one bit how I looked or how much I weighed. Not to long after I graduated I found out I was pregnant with my first child. I really gained a lot of weight and then a few years later I had my last child. In between that I had to deal with a husband that would tell me I was fat, over weight and even that no one else would ever want me. Roll that along with drs putting you are obese on your chart....not great for the self esteem.  At my highest I weighed 200 lbs. I really don't know when that was. I just know I hated myself...how I looked...me in general. I tried Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Atkins, Cabbage diet...you name it...I tried it. And even when I lost all the way to 132....I still wasn't happy. I didn't like the extra "fat" I had from having children....my legs were too big....nothing was right about my body. And at 132 when I was actually proud at how much I lost...my family is telling me I looked "sick". I never lost down to 100 or 82 lbs like Portia....but I counted calories. I limited my intake to 800 or less so much that it was hard for me to eat over that. And if I did....I would have major anxiety because I just knew I would gain weight. My body was in starvation mode so much I don't think it knew WHAT to do. I even met with an eating disorder counselor....and she said I had an eating disorder and then wouldn't see me again. Um okay...that helped. Guess I wasn't skinny enough for help.

I weighed/and still weigh....3 times a day. I get up, go to the bathroom, strip out of my night clothes, get on the scale....and that tells me if I am going to have a good day or not. When I get home from work...I weigh. When I go to bed at night...I weigh. I know exactly how much I will weigh in the morning by what the scale tells me at night. I've tried to throw out the scale but that just causes anxiety. That number has become who I am. If it is lower...I feel prettier. But yet I can still pick myself apart and make myself feel horrible and ugly.

It's a vicious cycle. and one I am not sure how I got on and why. The hurdle....loving myself for who I am. I have a wonderful husband who has seen me at 200 lbs and has seen me at 124 and he has loved me the entire time. He is always telling me....you are perfect just as you are...but for some reason I still battle with myself. It's hard. But I'm trying.

After reading this book....I know that the key is in myself. It is loving what I was put on this earth with. I may not always be comfortable the size I am but in all seriousness....I am a size 10...and should be comfortable with that. I will NEVER be a size 6. I will never be a size 4. Maybe an 8 but is it something that is worth punishing my body for. No. I have a beautiful BFF that I would LOVE to be her size. She is beautiful inside and out and can stay so thin. But I can never be her. and I have to learn that...realize that. I need to love the extra wrinkles that are popping up all over my face...love the age spots (but I think I might fight them as long as I can)...love that I am short....just love me as I am...Yes that is the hardest thing....learning to love yourself as you are. But I will and can.

Thank you Portia...even though I will not mail my letter to you....nor will you ever read it....I still thank you for sharing your life....your story....your heart....because it WILL touch others and help others do what they need to get thru things.

Read this book. If you have ever felt like I have...read it. It's worth it.



2 comments:

Janet Z said...

Oh Becky I am so sorry that you have had these issues all your life. I'm glad that the book has given you some insight. I can tell you that from what I know of you that you ARE a beautiful person!!

Leah Crowe said...

We are our own worst critics.. especially women. We know how to tear ourselves apart in 0-60 in 2.2 nanoseconds. It's hard breaking out of bad habits... the anxiety over the scale... I know that one... I'm too scared to even step on one, so I pretend to blissfully ignore its existence... then berate myself for not being strong enough to step on it. Anyways, big hugs, thinking of you... and like Janet said, you ARE a beautiful person! xoxo