This has been a hard week. Harder than I am prepared to handle.
Sometimes the curves we are tossed are so hard to get around....let alone get thru. I'm in one of those it feels. I never really expected the death of a pet to hurt this bad. I mean I knew it would but I just never thought I would feel what I am feeling right now. It's hard. I go to his grave and talk to him every day. There is such an emptiness in my heart right now.....such a quietness in the house.
Then today....I find out that my nanny took a turn for the worse. It's not good. Today, she is in ICU with a serious staff infection. The are testing right now to see if it is MRSA. If it is.....she will not be able to pull thru. She has had a heart attack on top of everything else. Her port was moved to the other side since the original sight is the area of the infection. She is in so much pain right now. It hurts to see her like this. We can't do anything but hold her hand and talk to her. I don't know if she recognizes us. I think she does. She can't talk...just moan and mumble....but as I was looking into her eyes and making sure she was looking back at me....I swear....maybe it was in my mind...but I feel she was smiling at me. Trying to tell me it will be okay. She looks off in the air...like she is seeing something...or....seeing someone. I hope she sees papa. I hope that he is looking down at her with his arms stretched out telling her it is okay to come join him. For them to be together again. I hope. It is what my heart hopes. I know God has a plan for each and everyone of us. And I know that he will not give us more than we can handle. But I hope that she doesn't have to wait to much longer before she can see him. She is tired. in Pain. and ready for peace. I'm not ready to let her go....but that is being selfish of me....I know she is going to a better place...a happier place....but I am just not ready yet. There are so much unanswered questions. So many things left to share. Why do we take life and time for granite? Do you ever catch yourself saying...I'll do it tomorrow. It can wait? It can't. We need to live each day. Live it like it was the last. Love your loved ones. Smile to strangers..they may not have anyone else. Give to those that need it. Be there for someone in a time of need. And spend time with your family. There is nothing more important in life. The meetings can wait. The traffic can wait. That TV show....is it really that important? I didn't go see nanny sunday...why...I was tired. Just got home from our trip....I was tired...wanted to lay down in the chair and relax...scrap some...unpack. She called...really wanted me to come but I told her I would see her later. Later. I would see her later. Now it is later and I am to late. Time. It is such a precious thing that we take for granted. And it goes by us faster than you can imagine...and before you know it....it is gone.
Nanny...I love you. I love with you every inch of my heart. God please do what you must....take care of her...ease her pain....if it is time for her to be with you...then it is time.