man it has been a long 5 days.
I've spent the afternoons with nanny....as much time as I can. I forgot how a hospital can wear you down. I am so tired right now and just want to climb into bed when I get home but still have so much to do with the kids, work, the house.....
This evening Nanny will be coming home. We are having a bed delivered as we speak....and then once that is set up...the ambulance will bring her home. We will make her comfortable. Sunday...the family made the decision to stop her dialysis and all her anitbotics and medications. What a tough decision this has been. Without her dialysis...her body will fill with posions...and her kidney (the one that remains at 11%) will shut down. She has not had anything to eat or drink since Thursday. I think this is what bothers me the most.....that she is starving...but as the dr told us last night...if we give her anything....without dialysis...she will drown. The infection that she has....there is nothing that can be done. It is MRSA Staff infection which is drug resistant. And for someone her age....terminal. That was the main motivator on the decision to not medicate any longer.
I had a long talk with Nanny yesterday. I sat in the room just her and I. She is unresponsive...she will blink but doesn't move or talk. but I know she was listening to me...I would talk and sing to her...our favorite song "I'll Fly Away" and "Amazing Grace". Her heart rate would come down to about 99...where as it was around 107....I know she could hear me. and I know she was relaxed at that moment. the hardest thing I have ever had to do was to sit there and tell my nanny that it is okay for her to go and be with Jesus. It just tears you up inside to have to let them go...but we must. We can't be selfish and make them linger on in a world that is giving them nothing but pain. We must let them go so they can be free from pain.....angels forever to watch over us. What a great place to be. It still hurts so bad inside. I know the time is near and it just hurts so bad.
Right now I just don't want to do anything. I don't want to work. I dont' want to do anything at the house. I don't want to scrap. I don't want to do anything. Nothing. Just sit here and cry. But I just have to shake this and do something...I just have to...or I am going to go crazy.
Today is my wedding anniversary. 9 years. not such a happy day. Maybe Billy and I can make it up when all this has passed. Boy Nanny would be mad at me if she knew I wasn't celebrating my anniversary.
I love you Nanny. I always have and always will. As daddy said....Papa spoiled me 75% of the time and you spoiled me 50% of the time. I will always remember the nights I spent the night there....the times I worked in the store with you....you letting me work at the counter...draw pictures to hang everywhere....all her Harlequin books...giggle...paying me $2.00 to dust your 15 zillion bottles...teaching me to make macrame flower pot hangers.....so many memories that I have of you....so many that I promise I will not let go away. And just so you know...I DO plan on buying a small christmas tree to put at your headstone. How dare you tell me that I want have to worry about a christmas tree this year.....you will have a SPECIAL one just from me! I promise. I love you....always and forever