Your always told time heals all wounds...and it does. For the most part. But sometimes it leaves an empty spot. One that just can't be filled. Losing a loved one hurts. In more ways than can be explained. And in time...it does get easier. But sometimes....you just miss them. A lot. This would be one of those times.
Sometimes this week goes by perfectly and quietly...sometimes not so much. The last week of July is just an emotional rollercoaster for me every few years. We lost my Nanny...we lost Vera...and I married the man I love. So it is a happy/sad time for me.
Right now...it is sad. I just spent the entire ride home from work a blubbering idiot. Talking to my Nanny. My gosh how I miss her so. I would just about do anything to have one more day with her. One more day to tell her how much I appreciate her never giving up on me. One more day to tell her I love her. One more day to share MY little butterbean with her. Oh goodness she would of loved Danie so much. I'm not sure why this year is harder than the last several...maybe it is because we are doing more and more at the lake and I find myself in the store "remembering". Remembering when I was 10 years old, barefoot and running around the store. Rememering when I was 12 years old and helping with the tackle and bait...selling fishing license and tickets like I am selling passes now. Remembering the recliner set up in the corner with Nanny's little living area. I want to talk to her. I want to share things with her. I just miss her. I wish I had a little something of her to keep with me all the time. I have my memories but memories begin to fade.
This is a picture of my Nanny and Grandaddy. He died when I was really young. I yearn for the memories of him. I am told I was his sunshine. I wish I could remember that.
This is the Nanny I remember. So happy. So fun. And the other lady in the picture...well that is my MawMaw. Nanny's mother. This is the wonderful lady butterbean is named after...Tensley.
My 13th wedding anniversary will be here in just 5 short days. My Nanny...who could barely walk because of her stroke...would not miss my wedding. My first wedding she came too...her and my Aunt Ramona...this wedding...well lets just say this is the happiest picture I could ever have. My family with me. And she would not miss it at all. I tear up every time billy tells me I have my Nanny's hair or I have this trait and that trait. I am proud of my Waters traits. I am proud that she was my Nanny. This time several years ago we were spending every day in ICU...just waiting for her to open her eyes. To let us know she could hear us. I would sit there and sing "I Fly Away" to her...waiting for some sign that she knew I was there. She died the day after my anniversary. It was like she didn't want to mark that day with sadness. But I am still sad...because she is not here to enjoy my anniversary with me.
This time many years ago....Actually just a few more days from now....Vera passed away. Billy's aunt. Who took me under her wing when we got married and treated me like I had been apart of the family forever. She showed me how to sew curtains, taught me some really good recipes...sat with me and showed me old pictures and told about life. I admired her. Her determination. Her spunk. Her colorful clothes. I miss this lady terribly too. I wish I could show her how I have been quilting. I know she would be so proud of me.
I'm trying to stay positive. To smile and go on with my day. But I just have to stop a minute and reflect...and tell these wonderful ladies how much they mean to me...how much they have my heart...how much I truly miss them. <3