Somedays.......

Somedays...I just can't help but be sad. Today would be one of them.
First off it is storming and thundering...I love this kind of weather but only if I get to stay home. Something about storms are peaceful to me. Weird I know. I do know I slept sooooo good last night during the storms.

But I did wake up to find out that MawMaw passed away yesterday. She was always so kind to me. MawMaw is my first husbands grandmother. My kids great grandmother. PawPaw died last year and I didn't think it would be long before MawMaw followed. I never did get the chance to say good bye to her or even hello. You see.....13 years ago I made the choice to revoke my first husbands rights to the kids. It's a long story and one with lots of hurt feelings, heartache and frustration. But along with those feelings was joy and excitement when my husband now adopted the kids and made them his. You would never know these kids weren't Billy's. He has loved them from day one as if they were his.

But with that decision I had to close the door to that prior life and the family. Not because the law said so but because I felt that was the right thing to do. And because of that I have not seen MawMaw in many, many years. She used to come up to work to see me and kept telling me to bring the kids to see her...but....I never did.

Just last May or so I was told that she wanted to see me. But....I still didn't go. I just didn't want to open that door again...that past life. I wanted it to stay closed. Now I sit here....thinking about the time I lost because I left that door closed. She is now gone...and I didn't get the chance to tell her that I always loved her no matter what happened with the remaining family issues. I hope she always knew it. Maybe she did. Maybe she knew that she had a new great great granddaughter? I don't know. But I guess...with her passing...this door will remain completely sealed because I really have no reason to see or talk with anyone else. A chapter of my life that will remain forever forgotten.

But I do wish...that I would of taken the time...to just visit ONE time....to have let her know I cared about her and to thank her for always supporting someone that wasn't even blood related. She was a good woman. A strong woman. And one I will never forget.