man it has been a long 5 days.
I've spent the afternoons with nanny....as much time as I can. I forgot how a hospital can wear you down. I am so tired right now and just want to climb into bed when I get home but still have so much to do with the kids, work, the house.....
This evening Nanny will be coming home. We are having a bed delivered as we speak....and then once that is set up...the ambulance will bring her home. We will make her comfortable. Sunday...the family made the decision to stop her dialysis and all her anitbotics and medications. What a tough decision this has been. Without her dialysis...her body will fill with posions...and her kidney (the one that remains at 11%) will shut down. She has not had anything to eat or drink since Thursday. I think this is what bothers me the most.....that she is starving...but as the dr told us last night...if we give her anything....without dialysis...she will drown. The infection that she has....there is nothing that can be done. It is MRSA Staff infection which is drug resistant. And for someone her age....terminal. That was the main motivator on the decision to not medicate any longer.
I had a long talk with Nanny yesterday. I sat in the room just her and I. She is unresponsive...she will blink but doesn't move or talk. but I know she was listening to me...I would talk and sing to her...our favorite song "I'll Fly Away" and "Amazing Grace". Her heart rate would come down to about 99...where as it was around 107....I know she could hear me. and I know she was relaxed at that moment. the hardest thing I have ever had to do was to sit there and tell my nanny that it is okay for her to go and be with Jesus. It just tears you up inside to have to let them go...but we must. We can't be selfish and make them linger on in a world that is giving them nothing but pain. We must let them go so they can be free from pain.....angels forever to watch over us. What a great place to be. It still hurts so bad inside. I know the time is near and it just hurts so bad.
Right now I just don't want to do anything. I don't want to work. I dont' want to do anything at the house. I don't want to scrap. I don't want to do anything. Nothing. Just sit here and cry. But I just have to shake this and do something...I just have to...or I am going to go crazy.
Today is my wedding anniversary. 9 years. not such a happy day. Maybe Billy and I can make it up when all this has passed. Boy Nanny would be mad at me if she knew I wasn't celebrating my anniversary.
I love you Nanny. I always have and always will. As daddy said....Papa spoiled me 75% of the time and you spoiled me 50% of the time. I will always remember the nights I spent the night there....the times I worked in the store with you....you letting me work at the counter...draw pictures to hang everywhere....all her Harlequin books...giggle...paying me $2.00 to dust your 15 zillion bottles...teaching me to make macrame flower pot hangers.....so many memories that I have of you....so many that I promise I will not let go away. And just so you know...I DO plan on buying a small christmas tree to put at your headstone. How dare you tell me that I want have to worry about a christmas tree this year.....you will have a SPECIAL one just from me! I promise. I love you....always and forever
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Friday, July 27, 2007
.........................
This has been a hard week. Harder than I am prepared to handle.
Sometimes the curves we are tossed are so hard to get around....let alone get thru. I'm in one of those it feels. I never really expected the death of a pet to hurt this bad. I mean I knew it would but I just never thought I would feel what I am feeling right now. It's hard. I go to his grave and talk to him every day. There is such an emptiness in my heart right now.....such a quietness in the house.
Then today....I find out that my nanny took a turn for the worse. It's not good. Today, she is in ICU with a serious staff infection. The are testing right now to see if it is MRSA. If it is.....she will not be able to pull thru. She has had a heart attack on top of everything else. Her port was moved to the other side since the original sight is the area of the infection. She is in so much pain right now. It hurts to see her like this. We can't do anything but hold her hand and talk to her. I don't know if she recognizes us. I think she does. She can't talk...just moan and mumble....but as I was looking into her eyes and making sure she was looking back at me....I swear....maybe it was in my mind...but I feel she was smiling at me. Trying to tell me it will be okay. She looks off in the air...like she is seeing something...or....seeing someone. I hope she sees papa. I hope that he is looking down at her with his arms stretched out telling her it is okay to come join him. For them to be together again. I hope. It is what my heart hopes. I know God has a plan for each and everyone of us. And I know that he will not give us more than we can handle. But I hope that she doesn't have to wait to much longer before she can see him. She is tired. in Pain. and ready for peace. I'm not ready to let her go....but that is being selfish of me....I know she is going to a better place...a happier place....but I am just not ready yet. There are so much unanswered questions. So many things left to share. Why do we take life and time for granite? Do you ever catch yourself saying...I'll do it tomorrow. It can wait? It can't. We need to live each day. Live it like it was the last. Love your loved ones. Smile to strangers..they may not have anyone else. Give to those that need it. Be there for someone in a time of need. And spend time with your family. There is nothing more important in life. The meetings can wait. The traffic can wait. That TV show....is it really that important? I didn't go see nanny sunday...why...I was tired. Just got home from our trip....I was tired...wanted to lay down in the chair and relax...scrap some...unpack. She called...really wanted me to come but I told her I would see her later. Later. I would see her later. Now it is later and I am to late. Time. It is such a precious thing that we take for granted. And it goes by us faster than you can imagine...and before you know it....it is gone.
Nanny...I love you. I love with you every inch of my heart. God please do what you must....take care of her...ease her pain....if it is time for her to be with you...then it is time.
Sometimes the curves we are tossed are so hard to get around....let alone get thru. I'm in one of those it feels. I never really expected the death of a pet to hurt this bad. I mean I knew it would but I just never thought I would feel what I am feeling right now. It's hard. I go to his grave and talk to him every day. There is such an emptiness in my heart right now.....such a quietness in the house.
Then today....I find out that my nanny took a turn for the worse. It's not good. Today, she is in ICU with a serious staff infection. The are testing right now to see if it is MRSA. If it is.....she will not be able to pull thru. She has had a heart attack on top of everything else. Her port was moved to the other side since the original sight is the area of the infection. She is in so much pain right now. It hurts to see her like this. We can't do anything but hold her hand and talk to her. I don't know if she recognizes us. I think she does. She can't talk...just moan and mumble....but as I was looking into her eyes and making sure she was looking back at me....I swear....maybe it was in my mind...but I feel she was smiling at me. Trying to tell me it will be okay. She looks off in the air...like she is seeing something...or....seeing someone. I hope she sees papa. I hope that he is looking down at her with his arms stretched out telling her it is okay to come join him. For them to be together again. I hope. It is what my heart hopes. I know God has a plan for each and everyone of us. And I know that he will not give us more than we can handle. But I hope that she doesn't have to wait to much longer before she can see him. She is tired. in Pain. and ready for peace. I'm not ready to let her go....but that is being selfish of me....I know she is going to a better place...a happier place....but I am just not ready yet. There are so much unanswered questions. So many things left to share. Why do we take life and time for granite? Do you ever catch yourself saying...I'll do it tomorrow. It can wait? It can't. We need to live each day. Live it like it was the last. Love your loved ones. Smile to strangers..they may not have anyone else. Give to those that need it. Be there for someone in a time of need. And spend time with your family. There is nothing more important in life. The meetings can wait. The traffic can wait. That TV show....is it really that important? I didn't go see nanny sunday...why...I was tired. Just got home from our trip....I was tired...wanted to lay down in the chair and relax...scrap some...unpack. She called...really wanted me to come but I told her I would see her later. Later. I would see her later. Now it is later and I am to late. Time. It is such a precious thing that we take for granted. And it goes by us faster than you can imagine...and before you know it....it is gone.
Nanny...I love you. I love with you every inch of my heart. God please do what you must....take care of her...ease her pain....if it is time for her to be with you...then it is time.
Monday, July 23, 2007
My baby Smokey
I'm sad to say that on our trip home Sunday we were told that my baby cat Smokey passed away Saturday. I am so heartbroken I can't really put it into words. He would of been 3 this October and to think he want be climbing in my lap anymore or licking my face to wake me up....it just hurts. And it hurts knowing that I wasn't here for him. Maybe I could of helped....done something. I didn't get to say goodbye or even hold him in my arms. Because we were gone my sister buried him for me. I appreciate her doing that so much but I long to just see him one more time. Pets touch our lives like we never think they will. They make us smile, laugh.....they don't ask why. They don't fuss...they know when you are sad and give you the love and hugs that you need. It's just not the same when they aren't around. I just want be the same around here with out little ole "Hoover". I love you baby. The guilt I feel for not being home is just killing me. Maybe i could of prevented this. I don't know.....
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Off for the weekend
Well we are packing up this evening and heading up to Gatlinburg Tennessee for the weekend. Should be a lot of fun. Camping next to the huge river...kids tubing...Cades Cover Site Seeing. I am ready to just get away actually. No phone. No computer. Just the family and nature. And fresh mountain air :)
I will miss my scrappng since I am in a semi scrapping mood again...of course it would happen when I can't scrap...lol!
And then Sunday....we will run home so I can put on my comfy PJ's and curl up in my big comfy chair and dwell deep into my Harry Potter 7 Book! HOPEFULLY Amazon is shipping it...although it doesn't show it is shipped yet :( if not...then somewhere along the way on Sunday DH will be pulling over to get me a book.
I will miss my scrappng since I am in a semi scrapping mood again...of course it would happen when I can't scrap...lol!
And then Sunday....we will run home so I can put on my comfy PJ's and curl up in my big comfy chair and dwell deep into my Harry Potter 7 Book! HOPEFULLY Amazon is shipping it...although it doesn't show it is shipped yet :( if not...then somewhere along the way on Sunday DH will be pulling over to get me a book.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Sharing
Sometimes....
it takes some wonderful, caring friends to make you realize that everything is really okay and that you should never run from obstacles but really take them head on. Thank you to those special people out there...you know who you are ;)
Well with all that craziness behind me....I decided not to throw in the towel just yet on the bloggin'. Even though it gets to be a pain to update...I really did love to have it to just post about my life....great thing to come back to if you need journaling. Oh and posting those layouts that I can't just share everywhere :)
So I'm back... :) and thank you for being a part of my life. It's friends like you that keep me smiling.
so on to the great news happen' around here. I made the Scrapbook Chalet DT :) what a great bunch of ladies we have. And I found out the great news that I made it thru Challenge #1 and now will head to Challenge #2 at Scrappers Bliss for the So You Think You Can Scrap Contest :) Woooohooo! I will share my first challenge layout soon ...when we get the okay. Just sent in my Challenge #4 layout at Scrapbooklifestyle. We had to scrap with Green...oh man was this a challenge or what. I am not to fond of the page but we will see how things go.
Oh and I have a few pubs for ya. I really haven't told but a couple people. I know...fuss at me...but it's a long story...lol...anyway...."hopefully crossing fingers" that Somerset Memories will like them in person and put 2 pages in the new upcoming Wedding Book :)
Well with all that craziness behind me....I decided not to throw in the towel just yet on the bloggin'. Even though it gets to be a pain to update...I really did love to have it to just post about my life....great thing to come back to if you need journaling. Oh and posting those layouts that I can't just share everywhere :)
So I'm back... :) and thank you for being a part of my life. It's friends like you that keep me smiling.
so on to the great news happen' around here. I made the Scrapbook Chalet DT :) what a great bunch of ladies we have. And I found out the great news that I made it thru Challenge #1 and now will head to Challenge #2 at Scrappers Bliss for the So You Think You Can Scrap Contest :) Woooohooo! I will share my first challenge layout soon ...when we get the okay. Just sent in my Challenge #4 layout at Scrapbooklifestyle. We had to scrap with Green...oh man was this a challenge or what. I am not to fond of the page but we will see how things go.
Oh and I have a few pubs for ya. I really haven't told but a couple people. I know...fuss at me...but it's a long story...lol...anyway...."hopefully crossing fingers" that Somerset Memories will like them in person and put 2 pages in the new upcoming Wedding Book :)
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